(==>)

DIRK: He's gone, dude.

JAKE: OH FUCK OFF.

JAKE: YOU CHARLATAN.

DIRK: Yeah.

JAKE: HORSES ASS.

DIRK: Get it all out, man.

JAKE: YOU MALEVOLENT MASCULINE MALFEASANT.

DIRK: I know a crisp glass of personal culpability isn't what you ordered, but hey.

DIRK: It's better than relapsing.

JAKE: Im drunk right now.

DIRK: And that sucks, buddy.

DIRK: But I'm talking about the big show of "everything's fine now" kitchen table red undie dirty dancing you did.

JAKE: Oh, i forgot about that.

DIRK: You fuckin' wish you did.

DIRK: It'd be the only reasonable excuse you'd have for nipping this uncomfortable epiphany in the bud so you could slink back to following orders from Dirk.

JAKE: ...

JAKE: Gods hooks, i backflipped right into my old ways!

DIRK: Don't beat yourself up about it. It's a running theme with literally everybody we know.

DIRK: You all get caught up in these feeling jams, hugging it out in self-realizational bliss.

DIRK: Then, bam.

DIRK: Premature ejaculation.

DIRK: That passionate growth grind ends before it builds to anything actually satisfying.

JAKE: :(

JAKE: Are you saying i need to be red undies jake again?

DIRK: Absolutely the fuck not.

DIRK: Hands off the belt, buddy. You've graduated.

DIRK: You're fully dressed Jake now.

DIRK: Sitting on the sticky floor of a custodial closet, hidden away from anything certain and good in this world.

DIRK: Alone.

JAKE: This is scary! I dont like this.

DIRK: Fuck yeah it is. This is sweaty, achey, burning transformation, brother.

JAKE: I want to go back! I want to be the other guy again.

DIRK: You can't be the other guy anymore, Jake.

DIRK: We're sending him upstate to live on a beautiful farm, where they're gonna immediately drag him out back and put him out of his fucking misery.

DIRK: Remember when you told Egbert you wanted someone to hold you accountable?

JAKE: No.

DIRK: Well.

JAKE: Nooooooo.

DIRK: "Here's Johnny!"

JAKE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

JAKE: Oh...

JAKE: *sniff*

JAKE: Oh, dirk...

JAKE: Cripes, if there really is no magical component to all of this,

JAKE: if youre really gone,

JAKE: then i am simply a forty year old man... being led by the nose... by an imaginary friend.

JAKE: That is not cute.

DIRK: It's kind of cute.

JAKE: No!

JAKE: Its mental illness!

DIRK: It can be both.

DIRK: Look.

DIRK: What you need to do is stop sobbing into your own fucking arms and make a decision.

DIRK: Spying for the rebellion, running away... these were steps in the right direction, but they also had, y'know.

JAKE: Plausible deniability.

DIRK: They were deflections.

DIRK: And at the end of the day, that's what choosing Jane would be, too.

JAKE: Its odd, but...

JAKE: Shucks, i dont want to cut her down right before she makes this big turnaround.

JAKE: If shed decided to keep her promise...

JAKE: thatd be bitter fucking berries to live with.

DIRK: But?

JAKE: But she probably wont change, will she?

DIRK: Why in the fuck would she?

DIRK: She'll have won.