INT. LOCATION - church - noon?
there is a big ass cathedral. stained glass depicts tony hawk doing the sickest tricks ever. the others depict jesus smoking weed while the mother mary gets head from whats his name. not god but the other guy. make sure they are big and theres a window washer on a capriciously tall ladder to edge in critique of the church. that they dont care about labor rights or some other lame shit. lame of the church i mean not the window washer. he was just doing his job. or maybe the window washer actually went on a homophobic rant on facebook and kept his job and now hes splashing water on only the gay guests. and how does he know whose gay because everyone is gay in todays society. which is awesome. if not incredibly wet.
hella jeff
nothing hes dead
at the processional sweet bro stands to give a eulogy.
sweet bro
write eulogy here.
its sad. thats best fucking friend. who is now gone. he gone and hes not coming back. which is sad. in the audience a bunch of new ugly mugs fill the seats. theres the big guy BARTHOLOMEW hes absolutely fucking inconsolable. bet you didnt know big guys cry huh? GENEVIVE who is a hardened high fem lesbian that works in business pats the sensitive giants back. no doubt shes seen worse than this.
sitting in the very front is THE DON who requires no explanation. MOM FRIEND, BIG PUSS, and THE MAYOR JR also sit in attendance not doing much of anything but being silent and solemn deeply touched by sweet bros powerful words.
camera falls lastly on sweet perfect geromy who is so politely sitting in the very back. until some figure walks out from the shadows to whisper horeshit into his ear. they call him RAD DUDE hes the newer friend. they should call him the idk they shouldnt call him anything he fucking sucks. he successfully holds geromy captive who cant see the evil stink lines coming off him.
sweet bro interrupts the eulogy to go off on them for talking in the MIDDLE of this TOUCHING moment. his jaw goes slack when he realizes they arent even there. when the hell did they leave. did geromy mean to slight him that would be impossible or was he taken like the movie TAKEN. or maybe sweet bro sucks.
he looks over at the casket for reassurance and then back at the empty seats where his last 2 friends were and begins to sob uncontrollably. its sad as shit. NODOBY has been this sad before. even when his hot mom comes over to try and comfort him he doesnt care cause its so sad. not even hella jeffs hot mom coming over and making out with his hot mom could save this (thats right the moms are together now theyve found fulfillment outside of their children its woke fuck you.)
now he starts freaking out and rushes the casket. he needs somebody to tell him what to do. he needs someone to say to get back at the podium and do it better. to chase after geromy. to do fucking anything for once instead of jutting his giant useless ass out.
of course this is sweet bro we are talking about though so trips over the hot moms making out on the ground. he falls onto the door of the casket BOOM explosion of splinters. THE DON is blind. Everyone starts yelling about sweet bro falling on and stuffing dead hella jeff up his big stupid oversized dipshit ass but sweet bro cleverly retorts that if he had hella jeff up his ass hes pretty sure hed feel that. But then it hits him... if he cant feel hella jeff up his ass then that means... the casket; is empty. WHO STOLE HELLA JEFF?CUT TO:
