==>

JAKE: Oh youre back.

JAKE: Didnt take you for a fan of the sandman.

DIRK: Considering whose brain keeps the lights on around here, I'm kind of obligated to be.

DIRK: We could go mano a mano on the finer points of his mischievous oafish charisma if that'd make you happy.

DIRK: Devolve into a useless cacophonous echochamber circlejerk the likes of which this ship hasn't seen since the last time you tried to muster up cinematic commentary worth hearing.

DIRK: Maybe we'd even start believing whatever epiphanies we came to.

JAKE: Thats quite alright.

JAKE: Ive just about reached my lifes quota of dirk adjacent jerking thanks ever so kindly.

DIRK: Is that why you've been pulling this stunt?

JAKE: You know its a bit silly to try and bait answers out of me at this point.

JAKE: If youre going to play up the same roundabout shifu schtick as always do us both a favor save us the time and get the fuck out of my face.

DIRK: Holy shit, can we chill on the animosity, man?

DIRK: This may be a new experience for you, but everyone else breathing has already had to learn that striking out isn't some earth shattering apocalypse event.

DIRK: Maybe you'll finally get the picture, grow up, and drop this insane plan.

DIRK: Get your head on straight before the big confrontation, put on that standard English charm, what do you say?

JAKE: I hope dave dies.

DIRK: God dammit, no you do not.

DIRK: You get one stupid, childish letter and all of a sudden it's your life's mission to performatively hate a guy that everyone likes.

JAKE: *Does* everyone like dave?

JAKE: I suppose from a distance hed seem nonoffensive.

JAKE: But living with him these past few years i find myself asking more often than not "what is it that dave strider actually does?"

JAKE: And the answer ive come to ultimately is nothing.

JAKE: Yet you all love and spoil him regardless.

JAKE: Its as if the whole world is wearing beer goggles and im somehow the only one suffering the subsequent hangover.

JAKE: Even the way he breathes is godawful.

DIRK: I'm in your head and I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.

JAKE: Its like nails on chalkboard.

JAKE: Stupid dumb fucking cunt.

JAKE: Doesnt it break your heart for poor sweet karkat?

DIRK: I think Karkat is perfectly fine where he's at.

JAKE: Hardly a shocker there considering hes never allowed himself to know different.

JAKE: "Perfectly fine!"

JAKE: One hot night out on the town back home wouldve been quite enlightening to him methinks. Id give him something to be perfectly fine about.

DIRK: Why don't we stop imagining this epic forbidden Karkat fuckfest and actually focus on something constructive, like you inserting yourself where you don't belong to avoid a deeper, lamer truth.

JAKE: Oh as if dave has such a right to it!

JAKE: That halfshafted hasbeen didnt even have the guts to consummate his own relationship without your wretched puppeteering!

JAKE: He told me as much himself acting as if it was as herculean and admirable a task as was my ability to keep myself from spewing vomit into his bespectacled face while he humblebragged about it.

JAKE: Gods glutes the two of you are just categorically incapable of shutting the fuck up.

DIRK: Just because Dave is kind of a pussy doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to enjoy his beautiful, understanding mantrimonial ties without you swinging your dick in like an industrial-strength homewreckingball. We know this.

JAKE: What we know is that if you spent years projecting your ghoulish vicarious voyeurism onto that hapless slouch instead of ever bothering to give a fuck about giving US an honest try then im absolutely not about to feel guilty for getting up to a bit of infidelity like a normal person!

JAKE: If theyre truly as unshakable a bromantic unit as youve deemed them to be then what harm could my interference bring?

JAKE: If anything giving karkat the chance to choose instead of succumbing to your inevitability reindeer games is a gesture of kindness.

JAKE: Its far more than striders ever bother to do.

DIRK: You're being disgusting.

DIRK: They have a gorgeous and enduring bond and you're trying to fuck it to pieces.

JAKE: Yes its ever so delightful which is why you seem utterly incapable of referring to it as anything other than a restraint.

JAKE: But you ought to be commended for your accidental honesty because thats really all it is isnt it?

JAKE: We know this.

DIRK: It's not your place to decide that.

JAKE: Noooo!

JAKE: Of COURSE not!

JAKE: Its yours isnt it?

JAKE: Its always YOURS time and time again its your decision and god help the rest of us left wondering where the fuck our free will got off to while you decide how things are going to be and how were all going to feel.

JAKE: Well im done with that shit.

JAKE: Its time to look out for numero uno.

DIRK: Wow.

DIRK: Kind of hard to take you seriously when you're pulling a gun on a ghost, but it's good to see you so passionate, even if it's only about getting your dick wet.

DIRK: That said, I'd be a pretty pisspoor conscience not to point out that you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

DIRK: This ostentatious autonomy charade you're trying to pull right now is just that.

DIRK: You aren't actually more empowered, or honest, or free.

DIRK: You're no different than you've always been.

DIRK: And you're still making it everyone else's problem.

JAKE: Youre one to talk.

JAKE: You know you broke roxy and janeys hearts.

DIRK: And yours.

JAKE: I havent got one motherfucker.

DIRK: See?