(YOU ARE NOT.)

JADE: his shades WERE gone...

JOHN: oh my god.

JOHN: this makes so much sense!

JOHN: of course he's ok!

JOHN: who just drops dead in the middle of a mission?

KANAYA: What A Thing To Say

JOHN: seriously, show me an actual bullet wound or any REAL cause of death on his person.

JOHN: i bet he hasn't even got one!

JOHN: we have the body, we can undress him and check right now.

KARKAT: HELL NO!

JADE: i already know he doesnt...

JOHN: perfect! that decides it then.

JOHN: dave didn't kill himself,

JOHN: he found a way out!

ROXY: and dirk...

JOHN: exactly!

JOHN: let's not forget about dirk!

JOHN: guys, this is what we need to do.

JOHN: we have to go fight dirk!

JAKE: Erm.

JAKE: Fight him?

JOHN: he's obviously like... the new bad guy!

CALLIOPE: oUr friend dirk...?

JANE: HMMHMHMM??

ROXY: john

ROXY: wt actual f are you talking abt

JOHN: roxy, this is our do-over!

JOHN: our meat!

MEENAH: nobody wants to hear about your meat man

ROXY: john did you listen to a single fucking thing i said to you

JOHN: yes!

JOHN: like, okay, you were right.

JOHN: this place IS real.

JOHN: that means we've ruined a couple billion peoples' REAL lives.

JOHN: that... sucks!

JOHN: we SUCK!

JOHN: look how the last twenty years have gone.

JOHN: none of us are cut out to run a world!

JOHN: how long until one of us goes crazy again, until we have to redo this whole war all over?

JOHN: i mean, some of the stuff rose has told me lately?

JOHN: wow.

JOHN: kind of nuts.

ROSE: John.

ROSE: Glass houses.

KANAYA: And Just What Is It Exactly That Rose Said

ROXY: ok i think maybe we need to calm down and collect ourselves here

KANAYA: Shut Up For A Moment

KANAYA: What Did She Say

JOHN: well... we were kinda talking about how messed up every thing was on sort of a fundamental level, and she basically said she was happy every thing was shaking out as it has been?

JOHN: which was nice to hear in the moment, but when you think about it for a little longer, people have died?

KARKAT: YES, JOHN.

KARKAT: QUITE A FEW FUCKING PEOPLE HAVE DIED.

JOHN: also that she's been married twenty years, but also not?

JOHN: it was all kind of over my head, but also i sort of get it.

KANAYA: Takes A Depressed Dissociative Cop-Out To Know One I Suppose

ROSE: I think I'm going to be sick.

KANAYA: *FUCK*

KANAYA: !!!

JADE: guys, this is stupid!!

JADE: what are we even talking about right now?

JADE: were not actually considering this, right?

JADE: why, because john and rose need mental help?

JOHN: no offense, jade, but you're right behind rose on the crazy train.

JOHN: you can't even be trusted to be normal around a dead body.

JOHN: OR TO NAME A BABY.

JOHN: i don't even get what's going on in your head anymore.

JOHN: and i've been really trying, but no matter what, it all seems kinda ... dumb and random?

KARKAT: OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

JOHN: what do you mean?

KARKAT: JADE'S A PATHETIC PATHOLOGICAL LIAR, BUT SHE'S NOT STUPID.

KARKAT: NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS IS RANDOM.

KANAYA: ?

KARKAT: TELL ME, WAS A KID NAMED "YIFFANY LONGSTOCKING" A JOKE DAVE MADE, OR DID YOU JUST *THINK* HE'D FIND IT FUNNY?

JADE: are we seriously talking about this NOW?

KARKAT: THE ONE THING HE EVER STOOD HIS GROUND ON.

KARKAT: AND YOU COULDN'T EVEN LEAVE HIM THAT, COULD YOU?

JADE: its not that simple!

KARKAT: SHE LOOKS LIKE HIM! THAT'S, WHAT, A HAPPY ACCIDENT?

KARKAT: THERE WERE A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF WILLING, UNMARRIED WOMBS OUT THERE, BUT YOU JUST HAPPENED TO STUMBLE INTO THE CLOSEST ONE THERE IS TO DAVE?

KARKAT: WOW!!!

KARKAT: LUCKY!!!

KANAYA: Huh

JOHN: holy shit... all those years trying to convince him to have kids...

KARKAT: SHE MUST'VE LOST HER NERVE.

JADE: thats funny coming from you.

KARKAT: MAYBE THE REST OF YOU HAVE A LOT TO CATCH UP ON VIS A VIS JADE HARLEY'S DESPERATION SITUATION, BUT I LIVED IT.

KARKAT: FOR YEARS!

KARKAT: "OH POOR ME, EVERYTHING GETS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, NOBODY EVER CONSIDERS MY FEELINGS."

KARKAT: "NONE OF THE FRIENDS IN MY LIFE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME DESPITE ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME WHENEVER I NEED TO BITCH AND MOAN."

JADE: oh suuure, karkat, you really stuck around for me!

JADE: had nothing to do with losing him, or your own inability to communicate what you actually WANT

JADE: what a great friend, you really had my back!!!

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, JADE? I ACTUALLY FUCKING DID, DESPITE HAVING TO PRETEND TO HAVE A YEAST INFECTION FOR LIKE AN ENTIRE YEAR JUST TO KEEP YOUR GREEDY FINGERS OFF MY BULGE.

KARKAT: TROLLS DON'T EVEN *GET* YEAST INFECTIONS, IDIOT!

JADE: newsflash, FUCK-FACE, i KNEW you were lying the whole time!!!

JADE: i didnt want to fuck YOU either!!!!!!

MEENAH: well now we know her ass is crazy!

JADE: oh my god shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROXY: ok this is getting very heated and like mega weird

ROSE: Maybe we should... take a step back and try to collect ourselves...

KARKAT: DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME. YOU THINK GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD (LIKE, BARELY) IS EVEN HALF THE RECOMPENSE THAT'S COMING YOUR WAY?

KARKAT: I HAD A LIGHT PLAYER RUNNING ESPIONAGE FOR ME AND IT STILL TOOK US FIFTEEN SHITTY, GRUELING HUMAN YEARS TO WIN THIS EMBARRASSING RUBE GOLDBERG TRAVESTY OF A WAR.

KARKAT: ALL THOSE WEAK-ASS PROGNOSES... MUST'VE BEEN A REAL RIOT!

ROSE: Karkat, please... I never tried to hinder the war effort...

KARKAT: YOU MUST'VE USED UP ALL YOUR HINDER QUOTA ON SABOTAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FUCKING WIFE THEN.

KARKAT: BUT HEY, WORKS FOR ME!

KARKAT: WE CLEARLY NEVER ACTUALLY NEEDED YOU TO WIN.

KARKAT: AND NOW, KANAYA FINALLY KNOWS THAT YOU AREN'T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.

KARKAT: YOU NEVER WERE.

ROSE: *Sniffle.*

KARKAT: ARE YOU CRYING?

KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL. STOP THAT.

KARKAT: YOU DON'T DO THAT.

KANAYA: I Think Those Might Actually Be Real Tears

ROSE: *Sob.*

JOHN: see?

JOHN: this is what i mean.

JOHN: the only reason why things are even remotely better now is because of karkat.

JOHN: he's like the only guy capable of putting all of us in our place when we start acting insane!

JOHN: and... he's the only one that won't be around forever.

JOHN: what are we going to do then? who's going to be in charge?

JOHN: meenah?????

ROXY: absolutely not

MEENAH: yeah not surprising youd pipe up about that

MEENAH: dont worry though thats not somefin we have to worry about

MEENAH: i got it covered

KANAYA: Hm

KANAYA: ???

KARKAT: UM, VERY HM.

KARKAT: WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

MEENAH: dont even trip on it baby well get into it later

JOHN: ok well look, that's all sort of beside the point!

JOHN: what i'm saying is

JOHN: when i took that shitty candy 20 years ago i felt like i was choosing to be an adult, to have a family, to like... get informed about politics, have a normal life!

JOHN: but maybe we aren't built for that.

JOHN: it's like this place is a circle hole and we're a bunch of square pegs

JOHN: and we keep trying to force ourselves to fit here, but the reality is we left our square hole behind!

KANAYA: Could You Perhaps Try To Communicate This To Us In A Way That Isnt Dependent On Imagery For Literal Infants

JAKE: Respectfully john this isnt really making a fuckall fragment of sense.

JAKE: Maybe i could do both of us a favor and set you straight with a swig of this flask?

JAKE: Calm those negative nerves!

JOHN: i'm not explaining this right!

JOHN: listen, i've tried taking roxy's advice.

JOHN: i have been paying attention, i've been involved, and i can't shake this feeling that maybe, there is such a thing as too much freedom.