(YOU ARE NOT.)

JADE: his shades WERE gone...
JOHN: oh my god.
JOHN: this makes so much sense!
JOHN: of course he's ok!
JOHN: who just drops dead in the middle of a mission?
KANAYA: What A Thing To Say
JOHN: seriously, show me an actual bullet wound or any REAL cause of death on his person.
JOHN: i bet he hasn't even got one!
JOHN: we have the body, we can undress him and check right now.
KARKAT: HELL NO!
JADE: i already know he doesnt...
JOHN: perfect! that decides it then.
JOHN: dave didn't kill himself,
JOHN: he found a way out!
ROXY: and dirk...
JOHN: exactly!
JOHN: let's not forget about dirk!
JOHN: guys, this is what we need to do.
JOHN: we have to go fight dirk!
JAKE: Erm.
JAKE: Fight him?
JOHN: he's obviously like... the new bad guy!
CALLIOPE: oUr friend dirk...?
JANE: HMMHMHMM??
ROXY: john
ROXY: wt actual f are you talking abt
JOHN: roxy, this is our do-over!
JOHN: our meat!
MEENAH: nobody wants to hear about your meat man
ROXY: john did you listen to a single fucking thing i said to you
JOHN: yes!
JOHN: like, okay, you were right.
JOHN: this place IS real.
JOHN: that means we've ruined a couple billion peoples' REAL lives.
JOHN: that... sucks!
JOHN: we SUCK!
JOHN: look how the last twenty years have gone.
JOHN: none of us are cut out to run a world!
JOHN: how long until one of us goes crazy again, until we have to redo this whole war all over?
JOHN: i mean, some of the stuff rose has told me lately?
JOHN: wow.
JOHN: kind of nuts.
ROSE: John.
ROSE: Glass houses.
KANAYA: And Just What Is It Exactly That Rose Said
ROXY: ok i think maybe we need to calm down and collect ourselves here
KANAYA: Shut Up For A Moment
KANAYA: What Did She Say
JOHN: well... we were kinda talking about how messed up every thing was on sort of a fundamental level, and she basically said she was happy every thing was shaking out as it has been?
JOHN: which was nice to hear in the moment, but when you think about it for a little longer, people have died?
KARKAT: YES, JOHN.
KARKAT: QUITE A FEW FUCKING PEOPLE HAVE DIED.
JOHN: also that she's been married twenty years, but also not?
JOHN: it was all kind of over my head, but also i sort of get it.
KANAYA: Takes A Depressed Dissociative Cop-Out To Know One I Suppose
ROSE: I think I'm going to be sick.
KANAYA: *FUCK*
KANAYA: !!!
JADE: guys, this is stupid!!
JADE: what are we even talking about right now?
JADE: were not actually considering this, right?
JADE: why, because john and rose need mental help?
JOHN: no offense, jade, but you're right behind rose on the crazy train.
JOHN: you can't even be trusted to be normal around a dead body.
JOHN: OR TO NAME A BABY.
JOHN: i don't even get what's going on in your head anymore.
JOHN: and i've been really trying, but no matter what, it all seems kinda ... dumb and random?
KARKAT: OH, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
JOHN: what do you mean?
KARKAT: JADE'S A PATHETIC PATHOLOGICAL LIAR, BUT SHE'S NOT STUPID.
KARKAT: NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS IS RANDOM.
KANAYA: ?
KARKAT: TELL ME, WAS A KID NAMED "YIFFANY LONGSTOCKING" A JOKE DAVE MADE, OR DID YOU JUST *THINK* HE'D FIND IT FUNNY?
JADE: are we seriously talking about this NOW?
KARKAT: THE ONE THING HE EVER STOOD HIS GROUND ON.
KARKAT: AND YOU COULDN'T EVEN LEAVE HIM THAT, COULD YOU?
JADE: its not that simple!
KARKAT: SHE LOOKS LIKE HIM! THAT'S, WHAT, A HAPPY ACCIDENT?
KARKAT: THERE WERE A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF WILLING, UNMARRIED WOMBS OUT THERE, BUT YOU JUST HAPPENED TO STUMBLE INTO THE CLOSEST ONE THERE IS TO DAVE?
KARKAT: WOW!!!
KARKAT: LUCKY!!!
KANAYA: Huh
JOHN: holy shit... all those years trying to convince him to have kids...
KARKAT: SHE MUST'VE LOST HER NERVE.
JADE: thats funny coming from you.
KARKAT: MAYBE THE REST OF YOU HAVE A LOT TO CATCH UP ON VIS A VIS JADE HARLEY'S DESPERATION SITUATION, BUT I LIVED IT.
KARKAT: FOR YEARS!
KARKAT: "OH POOR ME, EVERYTHING GETS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, NOBODY EVER CONSIDERS MY FEELINGS."
KARKAT: "NONE OF THE FRIENDS IN MY LIFE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME DESPITE ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME WHENEVER I NEED TO BITCH AND MOAN."
JADE: oh suuure, karkat, you really stuck around for me!
JADE: had nothing to do with losing him, or your own inability to communicate what you actually WANT
JADE: what a great friend, you really had my back!!!
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, JADE? I ACTUALLY FUCKING DID, DESPITE HAVING TO PRETEND TO HAVE A YEAST INFECTION FOR LIKE AN ENTIRE YEAR JUST TO KEEP YOUR GREEDY FINGERS OFF MY BULGE.
KARKAT: TROLLS DON'T EVEN *GET* YEAST INFECTIONS, IDIOT!
JADE: newsflash, FUCK-FACE, i KNEW you were lying the whole time!!!
JADE: i didnt want to fuck YOU either!!!!!!
MEENAH: well now we know her ass is crazy!
JADE: oh my god shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROXY: ok this is getting very heated and like mega weird
ROSE: Maybe we should... take a step back and try to collect ourselves...
KARKAT: DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME. YOU THINK GETTING SHOT IN THE HEAD (LIKE, BARELY) IS EVEN HALF THE RECOMPENSE THAT'S COMING YOUR WAY?
KARKAT: I HAD A LIGHT PLAYER RUNNING ESPIONAGE FOR ME AND IT STILL TOOK US FIFTEEN SHITTY, GRUELING HUMAN YEARS TO WIN THIS EMBARRASSING RUBE GOLDBERG TRAVESTY OF A WAR.
KARKAT: ALL THOSE WEAK-ASS PROGNOSES... MUST'VE BEEN A REAL RIOT!
ROSE: Karkat, please... I never tried to hinder the war effort...
KARKAT: YOU MUST'VE USED UP ALL YOUR HINDER QUOTA ON SABOTAGING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FUCKING WIFE THEN.
KARKAT: BUT HEY, WORKS FOR ME!
KARKAT: WE CLEARLY NEVER ACTUALLY NEEDED YOU TO WIN.
KARKAT: AND NOW, KANAYA FINALLY KNOWS THAT YOU AREN'T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.
KARKAT: YOU NEVER WERE.
ROSE: *Sniffle.*
KARKAT: ARE YOU CRYING?
KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL. STOP THAT.
KARKAT: YOU DON'T DO THAT.
KANAYA: I Think Those Might Actually Be Real Tears
ROSE: *Sob.*
JOHN: see?
JOHN: this is what i mean.
JOHN: the only reason why things are even remotely better now is because of karkat.
JOHN: he's like the only guy capable of putting all of us in our place when we start acting insane!
JOHN: and... he's the only one that won't be around forever.
JOHN: what are we going to do then? who's going to be in charge?
JOHN: meenah?????
ROXY: absolutely not
MEENAH: yeah not surprising youd pipe up about that
MEENAH: dont worry though thats not somefin we have to worry about
MEENAH: i got it covered
KANAYA: Hm
KANAYA: ???
KARKAT: UM, VERY HM.
KARKAT: WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
MEENAH: dont even trip on it baby well get into it later
JOHN: ok well look, that's all sort of beside the point!
JOHN: what i'm saying is
JOHN: when i took that shitty candy 20 years ago i felt like i was choosing to be an adult, to have a family, to like... get informed about politics, have a normal life!
JOHN: but maybe we aren't built for that.
JOHN: it's like this place is a circle hole and we're a bunch of square pegs
JOHN: and we keep trying to force ourselves to fit here, but the reality is we left our square hole behind!
KANAYA: Could You Perhaps Try To Communicate This To Us In A Way That Isnt Dependent On Imagery For Literal Infants
JAKE: Respectfully john this isnt really making a fuckall fragment of sense.
JAKE: Maybe i could do both of us a favor and set you straight with a swig of this flask?
JAKE: Calm those negative nerves!
JOHN: i'm not explaining this right!
JOHN: listen, i've tried taking roxy's advice.
JOHN: i have been paying attention, i've been involved, and i can't shake this feeling that maybe, there is such a thing as too much freedom.